Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
