First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
