I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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