i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
