Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
