he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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