I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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