She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
