mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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