If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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