it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
how do flat chested girls get laid?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
It's shark week go big or go home
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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