There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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