Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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