you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
