She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
