Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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