I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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