you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Randomize
