If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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