Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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