Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Can Purell be used as lube?
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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