My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm passing your future prison.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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