Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
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She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
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Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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