just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
