dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
