He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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