I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
