Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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