Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
