Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
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It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
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This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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