So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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