$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
