When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
