I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
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