I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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