Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
