it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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