Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
i think my cat just said my name.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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