so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
