It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
