So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Dignity is for republicans.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
