So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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