dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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