Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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