I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
