When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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