Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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