I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
