I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
