you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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