Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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