I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
