It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
A+ Viking dick
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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