My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Alive.
So much puke
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
