She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
