You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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