I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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